Medication vs. Ambition

I may have lightened up too much…

This time in 2008, I was headlong in planting a church in central Ohio. It was a season of life where everything mattered and there was little wisdom on choosing the right battles to fight.

A few costly mistakes were made and I started to wager whether or not my passions was hurting or helping your ambitions.

Ambition in your 30s has a different shade from that of your 40s… at least mine has. I had a fire. I remember having a really large fiery ambition…

to make a difference…

to be someone…

to win a lot of people for Christ…

I still have ambitions but they are not what they were. Leave it to Timehop or Facebook memories to remind me of this.

Age has something to do with it. Wisdom is also a factor.

When we lived in Ohio, we lived out in the county where you didn’t have to get a burn permit. I remember having flames as high as 20 feet and no one said a word. It was an image of my young passions which has since been brought down to something worthy of making s’more’s.

By the time I was planting my second church in central Ohio, I had noticed something completely unhealthy in my passions. I would throw everything I had at what I was doing and had nothing left but impatience, frustration and anger toward my family.

I spoke to a pastor friend of mine, who recommended I speak to a counselor, who recommended I talk to a doctor about depression. I’ve been medicated since 2010 and while it does regulate emotion, it takes a toll on passion.

Either way, there is something to grieve the loss of.

In the end

1. I will give an account for what God has given me to manage. Among those are first and foremost the spiritual health and well-being of my family, my own Christ likeness, loving my neighbor, and also stewarding my gifts and talents for God’s glory.

Medication has helped from constantly getting emotionally and physically gassed due to the explosive nature of my natural energy, but there is an expensive tariff on the bottom line of ambition.

I’m torn on this because I miss getting jacked about certain accomplishments all the while seeing the emotional health of my family in a better state because of it.

2. Medication isn’t for everybody and I can’t oppose it or propose it, but it has helped me emotionally through these past few seasons.

I remember getting so angry and depressed to the point of despondency and I don’t ever wish to see that again even at the cost of unmet personal ambitions.

One thought on “Medication vs. Ambition

  1. I understand this very well. I think it’s hard to say goodbye to parts of ourselves. Knowing and interacting with certain emotions for so long leaves us without certainty. Sometimes that can become a good thing. For a couple years now I also found myself trading anger for vulnerability. It’s deepened my relationships with people. But there was a cost. Losing anger was like losing a big brother that stuck up for me when I was getting picked on. Thanks for the reflective thoughts Tim. Love you brother!

    Liked by 1 person

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