Satire, not necessarily based on recent events…
“I’m convinced four of my neighbors, one on each side of the house, bought more fireworks than the city … each”, he said.
He mused, “Neighbors, thank you for the following freedoms bestowed on us by your patronage…
- Freedom from never having to buy fireworks for myself.
- Freedom from the worry of thinking you just bought enough for this weekend and not for the rest of the year as well.
- For the freedom from too much sleep. I love the alarm I’ll get at 3 a.m. that I have only 2 more hours of broken sleep left before I give up and declare our independence from rest!
- For freedom from all animals. I’m convinced you killed all wild and domestic animals in a five mile radius with a panic stricken death. They just suffered and then died, those horrible creatures! We didn’t need them anyway.
- For freedom from first responders. You successfully deadened the senses of local law enforcement and all EMTs. Who needs them coming down this street because of a medical emergency? If I’m dying, I’ll just come to your house and have you drive me to the hospital that will never enslave us again with those annoying lights and puny sirens. Bah!
- For solidifying the freedom of knowing that if I ever get to weigh in on the making of the federally confirmed American scented candle, I will recommend no fragrance, just smoke.
- Also for freedom from America, burnt ends, Diet Coke, Philly Cheese Steaks, Elvis, Drake and Josh, Eleanor from Gone in 60, and mud flaps.
We are free brothers.
from freedom itself.
Your obedient neighbor